Encouragement · Faith, Life, and Marriage

Not What I Expected

The last you heard from me we were expecting the arrival of our first baby, Selah Grace. Well, she arrived in June! Between the end of the pregnancy & the first weeks of living out motherhood I have been pretty quiet. A big part of that is because being a mom has not at all been what I expected.

Personally, I didn’t initially respond to being a mom the way I thought I would. I’ve been dreaming of being a mom since I was really young so this has literally been a lifelong dream come true, but I didn’t respond how I expected. At first I thought my reaction was wrong or bad but it’s actually totally okay & totally normal, & in-fact, God used it as the first of MANY works in my own heart.

When Selah was born my natural instinct to protect her definitely kicked in quickly, but the rainbows, butterflies, sunshine, unicorn glitter-poop, & head-over-heels love I expected didn’t come like I thought. (Talk about unrealistic expectations!) It didn’t help that I struggled with some very unpleasant postpartum medical issues for the first couple weeks after her birth. It’s hard to connect with a brand new baby when you’re also struggling with your own body working & feeling different than you’re used to.

But even beyond that, everything with Selah felt really hard, like a stress or anxiety-inducing chore, like I had to make sure to do _____ or I’d get in trouble with someone. Again, it wasn’t what I expected & I expected those “Lisa Frank”-like feelings to gush & they just didn’t. I really struggled with guilt over this, so I took it to the Lord. In the middle of one of those exhausting 2 AM feedings I paused & just prayed He would help me understand why I was feeling the way I was & asked Him to heal whatever part of me wasn’t clicking.

The response I heard & felt in my heart was also not what I expected.

“It’s not about you, Emily. It’s about Me, David, & that little girl. Get past yourself & just LOVE her.”

And right then it just clicked. It felt like the switch in my heart & mind flipped. Things began to feel less like chores & more like acts of love. Those 2 AM diaper changes & pump sessions became less of a struggle & more of a joy because they were opportunities to see her precious face, to bring her comfort, chances to teach, love, & pray for her, her salvation, impact, & her future. Being a mom has not at all been what I expected. It has been so much harder but it has been so infinitely beyond worth it. Being a mom has become another vehicle of God’s gut-checking, heart-cleansing sanctification in my life & I look forward to what He will do in me, in our family, in & through Selah.

This is not what I expected, it’s harder, it’s so so so much better, & so beyond worth it.

Be blessed, friends.

Leave a Reply