You might be wondering about the change in the blog’s name…going from “The Vintage Heart” to “Seasons of Selah” here recently…& what is a ‘selah’, anyways?
The change in name has come from a lot of change in my heart over the past few years, but also represents the joy & freedom I hold in my heart as my husband & I approach the arrival of our first baby who will be named Selah Grace.
I have had her name picked out since I was in high school. The word ‘Selah’ is Hebrew, often found in the psalms & other places in the Bible. There are many interpretations of its meaning, but it is often used as a musical term, telling the reader or musicians when to pause in the psalm to reflect on what they just played, read, or sang. Grace is a family name that was given to me after my Great-Grandmother, so I wanted to pass it on in the family, too. But the word ‘grace,’ itself, means something you’ve been given that you don’t deserve. Within the context of my faith in Christ, it means the unearned gift of salvation, forgiveness, & love to people who have done nothing but betray the One who sacrificed Himself for their sake.
In total, her name, Selah Grace, means to pause & reflect on the things you’ve been given that you don’t deserve, especially God’s gift of salvation.
As I said, this is a name I have had picked out since I was in high school, but God’s timing & attention to the tiniest details, even down to the meaning of a name, amazes me. You see, my selfish, self-centered expectation was that I would be a mother by the time I was 27…I’m only now becoming a mommy at the age of 32, & yet, had we had this baby girl when I wanted, her name would’ve just been a pretty name. It would have had the same meaning but I wouldn’t have felt the true weight & meaning behind it…I wouldn’t have cherished it like I do now. I wouldn’t have truly cherished what her name means because I wouldn’t have walked through some of the darkest places & hardships that God used to teach me how to cherish it.
As I mentioned in my previous post, over the past 2-4 years, I have walked through some really ugly stuff…events that have shown me who I have always actually been vs who I am now in Christ. I have waded through some serious depression- depression that stemmed from holding in & holding onto a lot of silent sin; depression that stemmed from comparing my life to how I believed it should be & comparing it to everyone else’s seemingly perfect lives; depression that stemmed from deep-seeded selfish anger & bitterness at my husband for not getting our lives to where I thought it should be; depression that stemmed from ugly insecurities that made me constantly feel like I never could or would fit in which always left me feeling so completely alone. That depression turned into a hardened heart of disdain in life & in our marriage. It led to a lot of angry nights & arguments, & unfortunately I used all of that to justify some of the biggest regrets of my life in my own personal actions & in our marriage. By late 2019/early-2020, I was in absolute despair, I pretty much hated life & was in a constant spiral of trying to “do better” & failing which just led to more depression, but Christ didn’t leave me there. He literally chased me down in the middle of my disgusting sin & betrayal…He found me SOOO far off His path, waaaay past the guardrails I thought I had established in my life, & pulled me back to Him. And yet that was just the beginning of this new journey back to Him because of course…2020 & covid happened. And all of a sudden everything else was stripped away from me. First He removed the rose-tinted, “perfect” *ehem*…I mean PRIDEFUL image I held of myself & then He started stripping away all the other things I was trying to rely on that would never really make me feel satisfied or whole- worldly financial securities, routine, provision. Bit by bit He took away each layer of self-reliance- my job no longer felt reliable or secure, my husband & I were so stressed over how to handle our small business which stayed shuttered for 163 days, & we couldn’t even rely on the grocery store to make us feel better with mostly-empty shelves on every aisle. Then He took away my selfish dreams…the ones not established around Him. He allowed us to walk through the diagnosis of infertility in September of 2020, & He allowed us to walk through the despair of being dropped from a fertility trial that would have paid for the entire IVF treatment.
2020 & 2021 were the hardest, darkest, & yet most beautiful & freeing years of my life. All of this just brought me to my knees. Each layer He took away was His way of helping me see that I had to let go of my own goals, dreams, & expectations of life & wholeheartedly run after what He wanted for me because He knew the things I was chasing couldn’t satisfy me, couldn’t really make me feel alive…only He is able to do that. Through each struggle & dark place, He fully provided & brought me back to full reliance on Him. Through damage I inflicted on our marriage He brought me to a place of full, open, freeing repentance in Christ, but also to my husband, who BEYOND graciously forgave me & loved me anyways. There was no longer a constant sense of fear, shame, or hiding what I had done, but a sense of love & full forgiveness. Our marriage ever since has flourished into something I wouldn’t trade for the world. God has used my mistakes & my husband’s love & forgiveness to demonstrate Christ’s love & forgiveness for me, & He has used it to fill me with a love for my husband I have never known before. Even now, there are days I feel so ashamed that I wasted so many years filled with so much anger towards my sweet David instead of loving & cherishing him like I should have, & yet he shows me God’s grace & love even more every day & reminds me to stop looking backwards but to look to what we have ahead. Through the paralyzing anxiety of covid’s impact on our jobs & business Christ brought me to a place of complete trust that He would provide & peace of heart & mind because even if He chose not to provide in the ways I hoped He reminded me He would still be faithful, it would still be used for my good & His glory, & He reminded me that in the grand scheme of eternity it would still be well with my soul. Through the heartache of infertility & loss of treatment He brought me to a place of contentment with what He had already given me, a place of letting go of the things I was trying to keep, white-knuckled, in my grasp in order to teach me that what He could give in return was even greater…even if it meant laying my dream of children down at His feet. And through that, He brought an amazing amount of financial provision from so many people in our lives- from church, friends, & family- that allowed us to go through a successful IVF treatment that has led us to where we are today, 1.5 months away from meeting our first baby face-to-face. It was beyond humbling because I know in my heart it was something I didn’t deserve.
So, what’s in a name, you ask?
Selah Grace…pausing to reflect on the things I have been given that I do not deserve…
His chasing me down to save me even in the thick of my sin.
His redemption…bringing a wretch not only into His kingdom but into His family.
My husband- his love, kindness, friendship, encouragement, & his forgiveness.
God’s provision & peace.
God’s lessons of humility, peace, & contentment for what He has already done for me.
The quieting of my previously raging soul.
God’s gift of our first child…a child I don’t deserve & yet she is such a gift already.
And ultimately, for the hardest seasons that have brought me to this place…at Christ’s feet where I am reminded every bit of this life is because of His goodness rather than any of my strivings (Ps 25:7-8).
So these years have been a time of reflection on everything Christ has taught me, a reflection of who He has made me to be & who He is still making me to be.
These years have been my Seasons of Selah which He has laid on my heart to share with you, too, in hopes that every word I type just redirects your gaze to point back to Him, the Bright & Morning Star, whom none of us deserve & yet who gave Himself up freely on the cross for you & for me if we choose to accept His gift…my sweet, precious Jesus.
Be blessed, friends.